Friday, January 29, 2010
One Step Back, Two Steps Forward
After a couple days of discouraging money situations that threaten my #1 resolution, I have had a couple of encouraging situations that remind me to keep walking in the direction of accomplishing my resolutions.
I have been listening to non-secular music since December and I am now starting to notice the results in my children. As we were driving today I noticed that both my 7 year old and my 3 year old were singing along with the radio. I can’t express to you the joy I got from hearing them sing, “….I’ve seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that’s what faith can do…” as opposed to, “…dance, dance too much booty in the pants…” And even though my children do not fully understand the words that they are saying, the lyrical mantra that they are chanting is surly becoming a part of there psyche in a positive way, and I am excited to see how much they will be changed by the lack of the Sponge Bob jingle and immersion of praise and worship.
As for resolution #2, well, the revelations just keep coming. During my self imposed loosing-my job-grieving period yesterday, I noticed something peculiar. As I began to cry, I instinctually walked over to the couch and sat in front of the TV. After a couple of seconds I remembered that I do not have the option to watch TV, so I wandered around from room to room looking for something to occupy me. My husband was taking care of the kids, and making dinner so I could have this time, and here I was looking for distractions. I finally got on the computer and downloaded some old “Friends” episodes. After 3 mind numbing episodes, and one moderately strong cocktail, I had an epiphany. I was starting to feel better….or what I thought was better. I wasn’t crying anymore so that’s a good sign, right? But after being away from the computer for a couple of minutes I began to feel sad again, so, like an idiot, I wandered over to the TV! It was then that I wondered how many times I had “cured” my grief by way of distraction. I had allowed myself a grieving period and here I was trying to keep myself from feeling it. I guess it is only natural to not want to cry; no one likes the feeling of despair, but how can I really feel better if I don’t feel bad first? How many other tragedies in my life had I distracted my way through?
After this realization, I went straight to my bedroom where I spent the rest of the night thinking about how much I would miss my job and crying intermittently. I woke up this morning feeling better, a little dehydrated but better nonetheless. Nothing externally has changed. My dream job is still gone, I still miss my former students and co-workers, and my paychecks are still going to be cut in half, but it’s not the end of the world. It could be worse, and life will go on.